The truth is, I’m drunk. The truth is, I’m gonna tell all of you how I really feel right now because I allow myself to do so in this moment of vulnerability. I hate myself, I hate money, I hate this world and all of it’s corruptness, I hate our government and all of it’s corruptness, I hate society and how it tells us what we should look like, I hate Facebook and how it makes everything worse, I hate school and how I have to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars just to have to pay it back with a menial job that they knew I would get, I hate how my mom makes me feel bad when she has to pay for things for me when I can’t pay for them myself. I smoke too much pot. I do too many drugs. I tell too many lies. I don’t have enough friends. I don’t care about my life, just everyone else. I wish life would get easier for me. I wish there was this really handsome, great guy that was rich and could help me get out of this debt and then I would be stress free and we could live our lives stress-free and debt-free and we would live happily ever after. But I know shit doesn’t work like that. I have to work for what I need. Right now, I am doing all I can. I can’t be at Golden Corral for the rest of my life. Therefore, I went to school for criminal justice. However, I can’t work as often as I used to be able to because I am in school. So, this means I don’t make enough money and can’t pay my bills while I’m in school. Do you see where life fucks you? They say, “Hey, you have to go to this expensive school in order to make a lot of money. BUT, in order to stay in school, you gotta work at this shitty job that won’t even make you enough money for your regular bills… So… what do you wanna do?” Ya know what I want to say?
I hate all of you. Society has fucked me. The only thing I am good for is paperwork, typing, housework, and raising children. Then society tells me I need a masters degree in something so I can make money and raise a family by myself… What happened to team work? Weren’t we as human beings made to be a team? So where is my other half, helping me in this team? Whatever. If I am meant to be by myself, then so be it. But I’m going to hate every minute of it. Being independent is not fulfilling and whomever tells you that is made of bullshit. It is nothing but hard work. You work hard your whole life and for what? The people you care about? In the end, what EXACTLY do you think your children will do for you? They will do for you what you did for them: put you in diapers in the corner and tell you to eat your dinner. What goes around, comes around. I don’t want any bad karma on me.
Honestly, I trust too many people. I trust the wrong people. They all fuck me in the end and I know they will, but I give them the benefit of the doubt. This is where people call me a door mat. I would run in front of a bullet for someone, but I bet no one would do that for me. This is why I am better off by myself. Whether I like it or not.
Everything in this world has been used for something bad. Milk to drown. A blanket to suffocate. A ring to punch with. These things don’t normally cross our every day minds… Except my mind. Whenever I see an object, I see how it can hurt someone or something and it makes me terrified. I live day my day thinking of various dangerous scenarios that could happen in every day life. All of these things I think about actually do happen to people and they probably happen every day. I hate going over bridges because I imagine the person beside me not paying attention while they’re on the phone and hit me, thus leading me to my death beyond the bridge. I have always been aware of this sick way I think. However, I wonder if it is normal. Is this just apart of the fear I have when coping with life? Do more people than just I think of such things?
I believe that fate has it’s way of showing us how we should live our lives. However, I also believe that we can change the minute details of this life we lead. I believe that the more cautious I am, the more likely my survival is in this world. Survival is what we thrive on. Most people believe that they need to socialize to survive. This whole idea is that socializing is what we need to do to become the best person we know we can be. But when do we stop to remember ourselves? You have to know who you are and love who you are before anyone else can really appreciate who you are as a human being. So many people are so concerned with doing what other people like that they forget what it is that they like. This thing that we created through socialites, “mainstream,” completely depletes the meaning of individuality. They tell you what to wear, what not to do, what to say and how to say it. Most people are Barbies and Kens these days… But I want to hang out with Theresa and Ken’s worst enemy.
I catch myself wondering who I am and who I want to be as an adult. I’m almost 21 now, I guess these are things I have to start figuring out. What exactly makes you an adult? Taking on responsibilities, raising children? I have a child that I am raising, but that doesn’t make me an adult.
I wonder if this person that I am today is going to be the person that I will be for the rest of my life. There are so many things wrong with me and I wish I could change them. But when I stop to think about myself, I always think about how selfish that is. Why do I keep worrying about me, myself, and I? Of course I worry about my daughter all the time, but why do I keep worrying? I’m so tired of being stressed out. Everything in my immediate environment stresses me out and is keeping me from being the person I believe I could be. But I can’t just get up and leave like I had planned my entire life. I have a child who has a father here. So does this mean I’m destined here, living a stressful life forever? Please don’t let it be so.
I have never felt as though I belong where I live, work, or socialize. This isn’t the type of environment that I want to be surrounded by. There is somewhere else, somewhere that may be far away, that I will feel at ease. So many things tie me to this place which makes my decisions for my life even that much harder. I wish I were a simpler person to please; the type to settle for living in your home town for the rest of your life. I am suffocating here and I’m not exactly sure why. Sure, this place is beautiful in it’s own way. But this isn’t where I need to be. All I need is a sign. One sign and I will be on my way. Until then, I will rant on this blog until my heart’s desire.